It’s a Long and Winding Road…

Friends, I have come here to tell you that I have done something that I haven’t done in over a decade. This morning, I got on the bathroom scale and saw the under side of 300 pounds. I have been hoping, but was so shocked to see it on the read out. Of course, the new meds have finally come in handy as an appetite suppressant. I figure that if I have to endure all this cancer crap, I might as well see some positive energy, right? lol Anyway, I haven’t shared much about my weight loss saga in a long while because I thought there wasn’t a whole lot to say. However, recently people started commenting that I looked as if I was loosing weight, so I finally got back on the scale and realized that I was indeed doing it. Here for your visual pleasure is one of those handy dandy little charts.

PS That’s 21 lbs in a year. And that’s 31 lbs. in about a year and half. I’m not silly enough to think I may not gain some back, but I’m hopeful that I’m still on a downward turn.

Happiness…

In my religion, we are taught that when we pass over to the next realm, we will stand before God and must answer for our sins, and if the sins are great we will not be welcomed into Heaven. We are also taught that our God is an all loving, all forgiving God. Those two teachings have always seemed to contradict one another in my head. Then, just two days ago, I was reading a novel and came across a new teaching about appearing before God. I have not researched this to see if it is, indeed, accurate.  However, the thought was so profound to me that I can’t seem to shake the theory. The main character in the book I was reading, a young Jewish physician, has relations with the woman he deeply loves although they are not married. Even though he knows that they are forbidden to do so, he also knows that the Talmud teaches him that when he stands before God he will have to explain the happiness’s during his Earthly life that he did not pursue. For to not pursue all happiness is in effect not living your life to it’s fullest. This gives me peace and hope that we can, in fact, be imperfect and still remain in God’s Kingdom. But it also sheds such light onto how we should actually approach each day of our lives. Happiness comes in different ways. It doesn’t necessarily mean we should lay around eating cupcakes and M&M’s 24/7.  Nor does it give us carte blanch to sin without consequence. But a good day’s work, a walk in the sun rather than laying on the sofa, doing your chores, spending time with your child, etc. etc. are all ways to create happiness.

So, my friends go forth and create your own happiness today, as I will be chasing my own!

Useless…

It’s sunny outside and spring is starting to show itself.  No kid this weekend.  Currently I have the apartment to myself and there is music playing.  It’s Sunday, which means that even though today is Hubby’s one Sunday in the month that he works, he will be home early – in about an hour actually.  With all those good things, why do I feel so discontented?  I feel like I’m bench pressing 300 pounds without a spotter and the weights just came crashing down on my chest.  And now I’m stuck under their weight.  This is just wrong, and I don’t like it.  I should be itching to rush outside and walk in the warm spring rays of the sun.  I should be dancing around to the music filling my ears – or at the very least singing along with it.  I should be counting down minute-by-minute until Mike gets home and then take him in the bedroom and treat him to what he’s been hinting at all weekend.  Instead, I just sit here full of gloom. 

*Update*

Yesterday, when Mike came home, we had a late lunch together.  Later I gave him a small snack, as I didn’t have any appetite for dinner.  We played catch up with the DVR box while laid snuggled up on the sofa.  There was not a lot of talking, but there was skin-to-skin contact as he rubbed my noggin and I rubbed his back.  While watching TV though, I was getting low blows to my already heavy heart.  First there was a very small twinge as we watched American Idol and contestant, Michael Lynch, spoke ok getting to see his newborn baby this coming week.  Then in the series, Southland, a story line circled around a small sweet baby who was put in a cardboard box and dumped in a parking lot.  Said baby crawled out and down the street and into moving traffic before a police officer came to the rescue.  Lastly, on Big Love, wife number two just misses becoming fertilized with her own daughter’s egg, and falls into her husband’s arms crying “I just wanted to have your baby and do my job as your wife!”  That was the straw that broke me.  That’s where I broke down and sobbed for the next hour. Every time I think those thoughts are buried deep enough, they slip out.  I want to be rid of the guilt I feel and the emptiness in my life.  I grew up believing without a doubt that my whole purpose in life was to become a Mommy.  That’s never happened and I feel like there is just no purpose now.  Lately, the word that bounces around in my head is useless.  That’s what I feel – useless.  Rationally, I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

Once Upon a Time… In the Land of Stubborness…

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a sexy BBW Princess.  She was a lucky woman, who knew the joys of a loving Prince.  He was a quirky Prince, with lots of foibles, but loving all the same.  Sometimes, however, the Princess lived with her head up-her-ass.  The Princess didn’t know it, but she was under the spell of an evil sorcerer.  Apparently, during a late night trip to the freezer for a scoop of rocky road ice cream that was covered in tainted magic-spell laced Redi-Whip, the Princess ingested a whopping dose of stubbornness.  Unfortunately, it was the type of stubbornness that manifested itself in ways that she just didn’t understand.  Days and weeks went by when she knew that she needed to do some very important tasks, and yet, just because the Prince was telling (read: asking) her to do them, she refused because she didn’t like to be told what to do.  The tone of the Prince’s voice reminded her of her father, the King, and made her feel extremely juvenile.  What she didn’t know was that in her attempt to act “grown-up” she became increasingly juvenile by deliberately defying the Prince’s wishes.  Now, the Princess felt lost and desolate.  She knew the tainted Redi-whip tasted weird as she ate it, but she ate it just the same.  One evening, after taking yet another shot of Redi-whip into her mouth directly from the can, she put two and two together and realized that she must’ve been under some deep dark spell.  In one swift dunk from across the kitchen that would’ve made even Shaquille O’Neill jealous, she lobbed the can right into the wastebasket.  By the next evening, the tainted sugar high was wearing off and the Princess was feeling fresher and had a clearer mind.  She realized that the Prince was right all along, even if he was a little harsh in getting his message across.  She still had a hard time admitting her guilt, but she took steps to mend the path between them.  She didn’t want the moat between them to continue to fill with angry crocodiles to keep them apart.  She wanted to live happily every after, just like all hot BBW Princesses.  The End.

Different Yet the Same…

I recently read a popular celebrity memoir (High on Arrival by Mackenzie Phillips). In my opinion, it was honest and poignant and sad. Growing up, her life was full of fast times, sex, drugs and celebrities of all sorts. There is no blame laid on others, if anything she makes excuses for others and takes the blame for her lifestyle on herself. She is several years older than I am, and she lived a life that couldn’t be further from my own. However, an underlying aspect of her life dealt with the absence of her father. He was in and out of her life for years. And, even when he WAS around, he really didn’t act like a father should. It’s in that regard that I feel her pain profoundly.

My own father has been in my life for the most part. Actually, there was an approximate two-year period when my parents where separated, where I didn’t see him all that often, but he was still around in the outskirts of my life. My father is an alcoholic. Not all of his decisions have always been with our best interests at heart. Unfortunately, that’s what the disease does to the brain. I recall many times, back when not much was said about it, where he insisted on driving us home from parties or visiting friends while he was intoxicated. There was one time he was watching me and he took me took a bar and proceeded to have a fist fight with another patron who was cussing in my presence. Hello? You have a child in a bar after work hours – what do you expect? I ran out into the dark alone and went to my aunt’s house in tears because I didn’t know what else to do. There was another time he was watching me when he took me to a Chinese restaurant and ordered me one of those fruity pineapple drinks complete with lei and brightly colored fan. I was about twelve at the time. No, I didn’t drink it, I knew better. There are so many other incidents that I can recall about my childhood that echo similar stories as these. It took me many years to realize it, but now, as an adult, I do know that Dad has a disease. I know that his ability to decipher right from wrong becomes impaired when he drinks. I know that he would never intentionally harm me or my Mom and brothers. But I do wonder why HE had to be one of the ones manipulated by his alcoholism. I wonder why HE couldn’t be one of the people who combat the disease and move on with their lives successfully.

Unlike Mackenzie’s feelings about her father, I do hold my father to task for not trying to make his (and thusly our) life better. I think he owes us that, even now that we are grown.

My Wishes for a Fuller Life…

Recently, I read a book called Twenty Wishes by the author Debbie Macomber.  It’s a fictional novel, not a self help book.  Her books, or the few I’ve read so far, are part romance part friendship or relationship oriented.  However, they seem to have a message of living a better life, without being too much in-your-face or preachy.  In Twenty Wishes, the main character has been floundering since losing her husband and is seeking new reasons to find hope in her life.  She begins a list of  Twenty Wishes.  Some realistic, some whimsical, some long term.  The idea catches on in her group of friends, and before long they are all transformed - one small wish at a time. 

The idea is was certainly as motivational to me as it was to the other characters in the book.  We all have some things we’ve always wanted to do but never get around to doing.  Even before reading the book, I’ve had wishes floating around in my head.  I think, however, seeing them written down gives them their own life.  It makes them not only wishes but things to strive toward.  Wouldn’t dancing in the rain with a loved one feel invigorating?  Wouldn’t taking a class in something that interests you give you new things to think about?  Wouldn’t holding a small child in your arms fulfill all the deepest wishes you could hope to find?  I went for Wishes for a Fuller life, as I had way more than twenty wished to list.  I’m hoping that some of my wishes come true… sooner than later.

blah… blah… blah… Eeyore Eat Your Heart Out…

In the weeks leading up to the holiday season, many people slip into a depressive state.  Whether it’s the prospect of trying to pretend to be happy when you’re not really or whether it’s the prospect of bringing up memories of loved ones lost during a time of heightened emotions, I don’t know.  However, there seems to be an over abundance of sadness during that time.  Still others fall off the happy wagon post holidays, once all the activities die down and that holiday rush of adrenaline has no where to be except back on the sofa alone. 

For me, the 2009 holiday season was chock full of happiness.  I was surrounded by oodles of family and some good friends.  I kept myself as busy as my condition would allow, without overdoing it.  Not that I don’t usually, but this year there was a deeper sense of gratitude for not only the generous amount of gifts I received, but also for the people that gave them.  Come January 2010, my calendar didn’t really let up, as I was inundated (in a good way) with even more family obligations goodness.  There was a family Christening where I was honored to be asked to be a Godparent.  My best friend’s daughter had an amazing Sweet 16 party.  And, I was one of the hostesses for my future sister-in-law’s Bridal Shower, which involved lots of preparation as well as a day chock full of activity. 

So for me, I’m just hitting that post holiday season lull now, at the beginning of February.  Combine that with S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder), which I also seem to have in my bag of tricks.  And, it’s been hitting me hard.  I haven’t felt quite this low in a while, and I’m not digging it at all.  I feel listless and even though I do have things to do (albeit boring mundane things like cleaning, bills and tax prep) I want no part of them.  I just want to curl into a ball and pull the covers over my head until Spring has sprung.  I certainly hope this doesn’t last long.  I do NOT enjoy sulking around the house like Eeyore.

Random Tuesday…

1. I chastise myself for not commenting enough on other people’s blogs.  I don’t read as many as I used to since some have left the bloggy world, but the ones I read I heart dearly.

2. Right now, my body is warm but my toes are like icicles. And speaking of toes, wtf? My second toenail on the right foot has spontaneously turned black. ewwww

3. I dispise William Shatner.

4. Dude, my ceiling fans are fricking dusty (I just glanced upward as I tried to think of another randomosity)!

5. I will begin decorating for Christmas tomorrow.  Or maybe later today.

6. I was extremely randy yesterday….. and lately that’s been a difficult thing to be.  Ironically, it was our anniversary and very well timed!

7. If I could, I would LOVE some M&Ms right now.

8. My broken heart has been hurting again lately, I guess it’s the season for that.

9. My clothes dryer just dinged.

10.On Thanksgiving, my aunts mashed potatoes sucked.  That was disappointing.

I’m Tired…..

I don’t know if I really have all that much to say, other than I’m Tired.  I’m physically tired and emotionally spent lately.  I just want this ordeal all to end.  It’s been way longer than I had envisioned going in to treatment.  And I just don’t feel like I have the energy anymore.  The energy for what you ask?  I don’t even know anymore.  I don’t have the energy to cook, clean, get dressed.  Physically I’m having difficulty doing those things and more.  I can’t go out alone for a walk without being nervous.  I’m just really fed up.  

So tired.

Please, Mr. Postman, Look and See….

So my online pharmacy is a Butt Hole who messed up my antidepressant order.  Now with all tenacity of the Energizer Bunny, I’ve been trying my damndest to be happy and peppy and bursting with love; but it’s getting harder and harder as the days wear on without them.  It’s now been two weeks since my last pill, and I actually woke up crying this morning.  How lame is THAT?  Not even a clear coherent thought yet, still had eye goop in the corners of my lids and I was weepy.  That’s enough to put a damper on an already damp (both literally and figuratively) day.

If I see a small child or baby, I cry.  If I think of my unknown future, I cry.  If I think about the fact that I was SUPPOSED to have ONLY 8 treatments total and today I did my 14^th and there really is no end in sight to hone in on, I cry!  Just please, don’t look at me with your funny eye * that lilts in the other direction, cause then you know what I’m going to do for Pete’s Sake!!! 

I leave you, my friends, with the lyrics to an oldie but a goody, as I go check my mailbox for my Rx, one more time: 

Please Mr. Postman

“So many days you passed me by
See the tears standin’ in my eyes
You didn’t stop to make me feel better
By leavin’ me a card or a letter

(Mister Postman)
Mister Postman, look and see
(Oh yeah)
If there’s a letter in your bag for me
(Please, Please Mister Postman)
Why’s it takin’ such a long time”

 

*PS Thanks Flickr dude that I don’t know for a cool lazy eye shot.  If you don’t like me using this shot, please advise and I will gladly remove it!  All in fun here on my pages.