Blessings – Plain and Small…

Several years ago, I kept a daily Blessings journal.  You know the type, I’m sure.  You write down between one and five things that you’re grateful for each day.  It was part of the Abundant Life series that Oprah sponsored.  I’ve been thinking that I need a little more of that in my life these days.  So I’ve decided to do it as often as I think of it.  I don’t think I will publish it all daily, but perhaps several per week or maybe just once a week.  I think, however, that being more conscious of the positive things in my life will keep me just that much more balanced and upbeat.

 On that note, let’s begin.

 Wed 4-22-09

1. All my appointments were On Time!
2. Sleeping during treatment is at least a good way to waste the time away.

Thur 4-23-09

1. Great talk with Mom in the car going to the hospital about parenting.  She told me she was proud of the way I handle Grace.
2. Mom took me too see where the Iris garden is in Montclair

Fri 4-24-09

1. Good to see Grace tonight.  I missed her.

Sat 4-25-09

1. Wonderful weather!
2. A day with Family at Mike and Cathy’s
3. Surprise fun time with my Mike
4. $ from Aunt Jo

Sun 4-26-09

1. More great weather
2. Got all my laundry washed, dried AND put away.
3. Burgers, yum

Mon 4-27-09

1. Mike played hookie
2. I didn’t kill him when he started to annoy me lol
3. GREAT Summer like weather
4. An impromptu day at the beach with Frank and Mare and Matt
5. Dinner with them too – which meant I DIDN’T HAVE TO COOK!

Tue 4-28-09

1. Mike kept me company again
2. We ran errands and I got to check things off the To-Do list
3. Lunch – IN A RESTAURANT! WOOT
4. A good conversation with him about money that didn’t get nasty
5. FINALLY got to the tailor with some clothes!  A major plus.
6. That nap at 7pm rocked my world

Wed 4-29-09

1. While the summer weather was a bonus, the spring temps again feel great
2. Quiet in my world once again
3. Got to get out of the apartment for a few hours with an old friend!

Thurs 4-30-09

1. I loved seeing my family walk in the front door.
2. Dinner tasted better than it looked. lol
3. Cooler weather means snuggling under the blanket.
4. Happy for Brian and Lisa’s good news that they will have a FREE videographer for the wedding.  WEEEEEE

Fri 5-1-09

1. One day until Mom’s bday and hanging with the family!
2. Did SOME of the things I needed to do.  Better than nothing!
3. Pie turned out pretty.  Hope it tastes good too!

Sat 5-2-09

1. I actually accomplished all that  I needed/wanted to do in time to leave.
2. Found time to go to the cemetary today.
3. Enjoyed a wonderfull day with my family for  Mom’s bday.
4. That pie was the hit of the dessert table! WOOT! and yummmy!
5. Weather turned out well for the BBQ.

Sun 5-3-09

1. Slept well last night. 
2. Had a good cry.
3. Snuggled with the man.
4. Cleaned out part of the closet and felt semi-productive… even on a boring dreary day.

What’s On My Mind is You…

There are times when thoughts of you seep into my days and lonely nights and invade the quiet recesses of my mind.  There are times when you don’t know how very addictive you are to my soul.  There are times when the simple memory of your voice warms me just as if I were wrapped in the warmth of your arms.

 

Today is one of those days.   I wish you were next to me so that I could taste your kisses and inhale your scent.  I wish you were nuzzled into my neck and between my legs.  I wish I could reach out and touch your very manhood and feel how being next to me effects you.

 

Kiss me.

 

 

Touch Me.

 

Make Love to Me.

 

Ravish Me.

 

But whatever you do, Come Home to Me!

 

 

You can bear anything, if it isn’t your own fault. (Quote by Katherine Fullerton Gerould)…

What is guilt? Is it sorrow? Anger turned inward? Jealousy?  Guilt as defined by Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary is “feelings of culpability, especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy; self-reproach.” 

 

Like many people, I have issues with guilt.  I have always had to deal with my feelings of things seeming to be my “fault”, even if they weren’t.  When my parents would argue, they sometimes argued over me.  Even though the issue at hand was that my father was drunk and they didn’t have the best marriage, when I heard my name come into the mix, I felt that I was the cause of the argument……… When all along it was really the beer or other issues.  That’s just one main example.

 

These days, most of my guilt stems from being sick.  IF I hadn’t gotten sick, then perhaps we could’ve pursued our mutual dreams of having a family together.  IF I hadn’t gotten sick, Mike wouldn’t be so stressed and over worked all the time.  IF I had stayed well, and continued to work, then we ‘might’ not be in the financial disaster we are now.  IF I hadn’t gotten sick then I wouldn’t cause my parents and other family members to worry about me all the time.  IF I hadn’t gotten sick, we might be having sex right now, instead of me being too tired to do much of anything.    **sigh**

 

I realize that I did not technically cause the illness.  I did not wish this onto my life.  I did not will myself to be sick.  And yet, I still find myself carrying all this unnecessary guilt for so many things.  Sometimes I don’t think I’m imagining things.  Sometimes I look into Mike’s eyes and think I see contempt.  I’m not ridiculous.  It could very well be there.  However, if it is, it’s for the situation and not directed toward me.  He’s very supportive of me and whatever it is I’m going through. 

 

Dealing with all the bottled up guilt is a difficult burden to bear, however.  Letting go of something so deeply rooted inside us can sometimes seem almost impossible.  What seems to be the issue is that with guilt, we are holding onto the feelings rather than working through them.  It would seem that working through the feelings and trying to correct the thought processes are truly the only way around the downward spiral in which guilt leads you.  When others do wrong, whether to them or toward us, we are much more able to forgive them, than if we are the cause of the wrongdoing.  It would seem to me that we (and by we I really mean I) need to work on self-forgiveness and acceptance more often. 

 

Perhaps I just need a reality check.

 

Or a lesson in Buddhism.

 

Or something.

 

Weight Watchers Update – Week# 13

As evidenced in the “chart”….. Last week up…  This week down more… 

Stay tuned for more in the never ending roller coaster we like to call my diet.

The Fog is Rolling In…

Before I went through chemo the first time, I had never heard the term “chemo brain”.  Last time around, however, it seemed to take a little longer to set in to my repertoire of side effects.  I’m a week past my second treatment, and tonight I think it snuggled down and gave me my first unsettling hug.  I’m sitting here trying to explain chemo brain to myself, so that I can in turn explain what it is or how it affects me.  Combine a bit of Alzheimer’s with ADD; then add in the type of physical fatigue that affects your motor function and comprehension and then mix in some fog.  That might encapsulate what it is – maybe. 

 

I seem to be slowing down physically.  Believe you me… I’m fighting it as best I can.  I’m pushing through and doing as much as I can do.  BUT, I can feel myself slowing down.  I get side tracked easily.  I start one thing and finish a second with out going back to the first!  God, I hate that crap.  I love to read, but am reading for smaller increments of time.  Or I open a book and then just kind of stare at the words wondering what they mean.  I’ve had some important paperwork to take care of, and I’ve been putting it off. (Yes, we all know I’m a sorry case of a procrastinator!)  Today, I embarked upon that task, only to fight with the words and concepts.  I’m scared that I won’t be able to get through it all.  After quite a while, I just decided to shelve the idea for the night and do something a little more “relaxational”.  Mike gave me a digital photo frame for Christmas and I’ve been building a file of photos which I want to display.  However, some of the photos need to be titled etc. in order to create the folder.  I did one of the smaller sets of pictures.  However, when I opened another, I could see the pictures in front of me, but I couldn’t group them and name them. It was frustrating.  I just sat there and stared while all the images melded together into one flowing foggy picture.  Again, I side-lined that activity and moved on to TV.  It’s on and I can’t even get through one show completely before being bored.  Talk about frustrating!  Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve been able to get through this post.  I think I’m tricking my brain by pretending to talk to you all.  You know, as if you were actually sitting next to me and listening.  Sometimes, speaking aloud can rustle my thoughts back into some sort of muddled sensibility.

 

It will get worse……. Then it will get better.  This I know.  In the meantime, I will just manage to get through in the best way I know how – perseverance.  And you know what?  Just being able to get these thoughts onto paper (screen?) has been a help. It has cleared the frustration so I can move on to do something else, even if that’s sleep!  So, I suppose that creating this blog MAY be a benefit after all!

Weight Watchers Update – Week# 11

Simply stated: Another one down… A shit load to go – lol!

 

Total: 12.4 pounds

 

 

In other news, this is my up week physically.  Most of the side effects have subsided for now (later to return, of course).  Feeling well is a blessing, for sure.  I’ve been a little lazy the beginning portion of the week.  Not a good thing physically or emotionally.  It’s just given me time to become morose and whiney.  I spent a part of last evening with tears in my eyes, just because.  Surely we all are entitled to a bit of melancholy.  However, in my case I don’t like to indulge because I can sink low if I allow myself.  I think the other part is a bit of Winter Stir Crazy syndrome.  I’m stuck in the house and I dislike it.  I want OUT!  I want warm air and sunshine on my face.  I want nature.  The other part is that my hair finally started falling out in clumps last night.  To the naked eye, I don’t think others can notice today, but I can.  And they will very soon.  I was hoping to get through this weekend as “normal” as I have some functions to attend.  It will now steadily keep falling until it’s gone.  It’s not like I didn’t know it would happen.  Though when it does, it hits every part of my vanity and self esteem.  It shakes me.  It makes me think that others will point and whisper and feel sorry for me.  I don’t like pity.  Compassion I can handle and embrace, but Pity? UGH.  I also have to work to keep that bit of femininity alive within my soul.  You’d be so surprised at how much of our self esteem comes from our HAIR!  Honestly, I know I was able to move past it all last time, and I know this time will be no different, possibly even a bit easier.  But now, in the beginning, all of those feelings have come rushing down upon me.  Crushing my smile.  Shattering my ego.  Cracking my strong exterior shell. 

 

At least for today.

 

Weight Watchers Update Week 10 – I think…

Oh yeah – I’m still working on the diet, in case anyone is wondering.  I did get a little wake up call (comment) from Mike a week or so ago though.  He asked “So, ummm, Hon, What happened to your diet?”  Eek I wasn’t expecting that one.  I mean, in my head I was still doing it.  Right?  I mean, I know I slacked on the food log, and I haven’t actually been measuring.  But I have been keeping a mental tally of what I should and shouldn’t be eating.  And I have been watching portion control, if not actually measuring and weighing.  But my scale is not being cooperative.  Perhaps, that’s because of that damn cookie exchange detour I took.  I seriously knew that was a bad idea when I not only agreed to go but to bake for both myself and my Mom.  I know I was nibbling here and there, and while not the end of the world, it seemed to be enough to keep the numbers from dropping. 
 
Luckily, I have finally gotten a little of the chemo bump that I was looking to get.  Unfortunately, last time chemo worked in the opposite direction.  My metabolism shut down completely and with that and the voracious appetite that the steroids bring, I packed on a bit of weight that I’m still looking to shed.  With the round I started last week, I’ve noticed a marked lack of appetite.  I had to force myself to eat, but I’m being mindful of what exactly I’m putting into my mouth.  I’ve been trying to ensure protein and vitamins and fiber intake.  So far, so good.  And yes, I’ve dropped a few pounds since Wednesday.  I’m not complaining at ALL about that particular side-effect.

 

Total Lost is 11.4 pounds.  Woot!

Chemo – Round Two – Treatment# 1…

I told Mike over the weekend that I feel completely and totally disconnected to the world (and people) around me this last week.  So, for those of you whom I’ve been slighting, I apologize now.  I’ve been in a bit of a Tizzy tizzy this week.  Last Tuesday, I was in a stress induced fog.  I didn’t even realize I was that worried, until I realized I was just aimlessly going about my chores and couldn’t really concentrate or get anything important done.  I’ve tried to downplay the treatments so much, that I suppose I was trying to convince myself that it didn’t matter all that much too.  The following will probably be a boring account to most of you, but I just wanted to get down some of the info so I don’t forget the sequence of events this time.  Some stuff got a little twisted with time after the first time two years ago.  Also, I might be posting with notes on my side effects and food consumption.  It should be self explanatory as I go along.

 

As all important days go, we woke to an impromptu ice storm, which just proved to be one more aggravation in the mix.  Mike got me up to the hospital as easily as we could, without going too fast in the crap-mix of weather conditions.  I was supposed to be there at about 9:45, but we got there about half an hour late.  It really wasn’t too big of a deal, as they are fairly laid back in the “time” department.  I had my blood and stats checked.  We had a brief but detailed appointment with the Oncologist who toyed with holding me back a week or so because I’ve been sick with the head/chest cold from hell.  However, since I didn’t seem to have an ear infection and even though I’ve been hacking shit out of my head, he said my lungs sounded fairly clear.  So I convinced him that since I was there, I should go ahead and start.  (Once my head is in the game, I have to act on it.  Otherwise I would be psyched out.)  We checked in with his office staff to set up most of my remaining appointments for the next few months and get some work papers for Mike signed.  He’s eligible for FMLA time when he takes me to appointments, as long as the office signs some forms and faxes them over to his work.

 

Then we went over to the infusion center side of the cancer center.  I swear the staff there rocks.  They all now all the patients by name and try their best to make you feel as comfortable as possible.  They truly are a great bunch of employees.  We waited a bit and were finally called in to an infusion room.  They have private rooms with a recliner for the patient and another chair for their guest.  There is a TV, radio and DVD player for you entertainment.  Because once you settle in, you’re usually there for a while. 

 

My oncology nurse came in to set me up and went over all the lurid details of the treatment, including all the wonderful side-effects that I could potentially expect in the short and long term.  The first they do is tap my porto-cath with an IV needle and drew more blood.  She hooked me up with a steroid drip, an anti-nausea drip and some lovely Benadryl drip (just in case I had a major allergic reaction to the chemo drugs – lovely huh?).  She said the Benadryl might make me a little drowsy.  LMAO! Understatement.  Within 10 minutes I was cross-eyed and slurring my words.  Those meds take 30 minutes to empty into my body, and then I have to wait another 30 whilst twiddling my thumbs just to let it all soak in good.   Then the good stuff comes out and I get to sit and it drips for about 3 hours (figure one hour per week of my cycle).  During which time, I proceeded to knock out and sleep for about 2 hours.  Mike was watching a movie and dozing himself I believe.  Somewhere in there I had some lunch, and when I woke from my nap I was hungry again.  So Mike went down to the cafeteria and got two desserts for us to share.  WRONG move.  The sugar and the chemo apparently didn’t like one another and I was immediately nauseous.  We rang the nurse who hooked me up with yet another drip bag of some nice anti-nausea meds.  The last thing they want is you yakking while hooked up.   At the end of the three hours, I got the second of the two chemo drugs which only takes about 30 minutes.  The day dragged on probably about as long as this post probably seems about now.  I was tired and beat. 

Mike was concerned because he was scheduled to work that night, but I told him I wasn’t going to need him, so he went ahead in to the store.  He said good-bye and I promptly fell asleep until 10:30 when my Mom called to check up on me.  Of course, then I was up until about 3:00 am! 

 

Physical Side-effects for Thursday:  I wasn’t too bad, except that I was still tired and dozing on and off and noticed that I had a decrease in appetite. 

 

Notes to self on food for Thursday:

I ate about 5 chicken nuggets (forced them down around 3:30 as I hadn’t had any appetite all day).  They made me nauseous.

I made some ditallini with peas and a light tomato sauce for myself in the evening and, I ate about 3/4 of a bowl.  Would’ve been fine eating just half, but I knew I needed to put something in me.

 

The next round will be in 3 weeks and will take approximately the same schedule.  After that I think they will be about 30 minutes shorter.

The Holidays in Review…

Hello Boys & Girls…  It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

 

I thought we might do a little review business, as I haven’t been here in a while.

 

Christmas Eve:  Christmas Eve day, I felt like crap.  I had a mini melt down of sorts, that I’m not truly sure was emotional or physical.  My best guess was a bit of both.  You see, I was typically overwhelmed with what I still had left to do by the time Mike got out of work. Plus, I really think my blood sugar dropped pretty low.  I was fuzzy in my thinking, shaking, carelessly doing dumb things like losing things and stubbing my toes.  Eventually I broke down and cried and had a slice of cheese and some crackers and juice.  Low and behold, I felt markedly better!  All said and done, I wrapped and packed (was sleeping over at the parent’s house), dressed up a little and loaded up the car only about 30 minutes later than I should’ve been.  We had dinner at my Aunt Yvette’s house.  Dinner was low key but immaculately spread out on a pretty table.  She even made me banana pudding for dessert.  Well, not JUST for me, but she and I love it and as I hadn’t had any since my Grandma passed away 6 years ago, it was a special treat.  My aunt and I have a bit of a tradition.  Honestly, I can’t really remember who started it, but we have a friendship ball.  It’s a silver filigree ornament that opens with a latch and you can put stuff inside it.  We’ve passed it back and forth for different occasions now for many years.  The gifts are endless, as long as they fit! lol Earrings, play tickets, necklaces, money, etc.  This year, she passed the ball back to me with a something sentimental in it: my Grandma’s favorite Christmas pin.  Actually it’s two crocheted little bells that she would pin to her coat.  Yvette had gotten them when the split things up after Gram passed, but she wanted to share the holiday memory with me this year.  It warmed my heart to have a bit of Gram with me on a special day. Yvette and I sometimes get on each other’s nerves, but we also know just how to pick the other one up when we need a bit of help. J

 

I was really disappointed that I didn’t get to go to Midnight Mass, as has been my norm.  Mike pooped out, and then we had a mix up with the church schedule as one church celebrated their Midnight Mass at 9pm, and we ended up missing it entirely.  So, Mom and I went back home, and we helped Santa put out all the Christmas goodies.  Then we settled in to watch mass televised from the Vatican.  My brother, Chris, thought we were nuts, but that mass is the most important one of the year to me.  I needed it for my soul, even if it were televised. 

 

Christmas: Christmas day was very laid back and really quite nice.  As I said we spent the night with my parents and brother, Chris.  Around Noon, Mike went to meet his ex-wife for the Kid pass off.  I was SO happy once Grace got there.  To me, it’s all about her anyway.  Soon after that, Brian and Lisa got to Mom and Dad’s so we could finally open gifts.  Even under the gloom and doom of a harsh economy, my parents never fail to amaze us with their generosity.  We are definitely a blessed family when it comes to our parents.  Mike and I decided to bring most of Grace’s Santa presents to their house.  We did leave just a few surprises at home for us to uncover when we got in later.  All in all, we all received some great gifts.  My own personal Christmas Elf (Mike) did me proud this year.  We don’t typically exchange a lot at Christmas, as most of our money goes to the rest of the family.  This year he went above and beyond, to my delight.  I have to admit, I’m a big kid when it comes to Christmas. lol  However, he did really put some effort into the gifts I received.  He gave me an I-Home, a digital picture frame and a box set of the Sookie Stackhouse novels that True Blood is based upon.  The books were a total surprise and his very own idea!  He also took into consideration that chemo would be coming, and he filled my stocking with lotions, lozenges, and lip balm.  Chemo dries a person out!  He thought about each and every gift and that was gift enough in itself for me!

 

New Year’s Eve: I was really unsettled as what to do on NYE.  Some of my cousins got the idea to throw a little party in the back of my aunt’s bar.  I was all for that.  It sounded fun.  Then, one thing led to another and the little get together became family and friends.  They added a DJ.  Then they added a $25 cover charge to cover liquor expenses and I could see this turning very rapidly into an all out soirée.  I wasn’t really sure I wanted to be there.  Part of the reason is that Mike doesn’t drink, and I didn’t think he’d enjoy their choice in music either.  He’s a straight up classic rock to some metal sort of dude.  I also wasn’t sure if we’d fit in to the crowd.  We were setting ourselves up to be the oldest couple in a sea of young people.  I don’t typically mind, but I just wasn’t sure.  Slowly Mike and Brian (my brother) convinced me that I needed to go.  They said Mike didn’t need to pay the cover, and Brian was picking up my fee.  So….. I said ok.  And DAMN I’m so glad I did.  I had such a good time.  Mike said he did too, but he really didn’t look it.  I have to say, I felt a bit selfish in that I really didn’t care as much as I felt I should’ve, but I was having fun!  I knew I’d be cooped up soon, so I took advantage and let loose.  That’s rare for me. I usually need the control.  But, after a few glasses of sangria I was loose, Baby.  Really loose. Being silly, laughing, dancing, hanging out with family, and taking tipsy photos (still not down loaded yet lol).  Fun stuff, really. J  I’m glad they pushed me into going.

Weight Watchers Update – Week 5

sigh…. I know I should be happy.  I’m down a total of 8 pounds.  But I was really hoping for more by now.  I’m not seeing a significant movement in the numbers on the scale and getting slightly discourage.   I know I shouldn’t.  I mean I didn’t get to my current weight in just a few weeks.  I’ve been at approximately the same weight for many years, so moving the scale in a downward direction will require work.

I wish the weather were warmer, It’s cold out and I don’t want to fight the cold to walk outside.  Although, I know that would help both the numbers on the scale AND my joints.  I suppose I’m just making excuses and being lazy.  But DAMN I HATE THE COLD! lol  I’ve had an offer from my brother to let me use his eliptical machine… but he’s 3 towns away.  I guess I’ll have to think about that one. UGH! Why can’t it all be  easier?

Oh yeah, I have a cold too.  I’m cranky, can you  tell? lol