Uncertainty Is a Bitch…

This last week has been weird for me.  In most ways, I’ve been normal, but stressed.  Now that I think about it, I’ve been very stressed but not really allowing myself to dwell on something important that’s going on in my life right now.  If you’ll recall, last week I mentioned that Mike and I had some stuff going on and that it was important.  As it turns out, my quarterly follow-up with the oncologist didn’t produce the glowing report I was hoping to get.  This particular visit was a special one in my book.  No recurrance of cancer after two years dramatically reduces the chances that it will recur at all.  I believe that I’ve been putting my life (at least in my head) on hold until I could reach that mile-stone.  Low and behold, at my two year follow-up, my CA-125 blood test showed an increase above the normal range. Additionaly, the CT scans showed a 4cm spot near my spleen, a 3.7cm spot on or near my liver and several pinpoint spots scattered about the abdominal cavity.  Of course, we don’t know precisely what these images are yet.  However, the doctor IS concerned that we have a  recurrance.  Isn’t that just fucking dandy?

 

I’m of the ilk that I believe in a positive outlook until I know all the facts.  What I do know, is that I lasted almost a whole week before I really broke down and had a good cry earlier today.  Last night, I told the last of the important people in my life what was going on with me.  I didn’t want to blog about it until then, as I didn’t want her to find out in  this format.  I know her, she’s a worrier. She needed to hear me say it. ;0) 

 

Where do we go from here?  Tomorrow I go in for a CT Biopsy.  I’m terrified of the proceedure.  I don’t really want a 12 inch needle stuck into my abdomen.  I’m afraid it will hurt like a fucker, and I don’t want to go into a crying jag  on the table while I have a long sharp object stuck inside me making it even more difficult to do.  Why can’t they just knock me the hell out?  That would be sooooo much easier – for me at least.  From there, it will take 72 hours for results to be had.  Which puts us smack dab in the middle of the weekend… Which means I’ll be waiting till next week for any clue to what’s really growing inside me.

 

That’s all f or now.  Just wanted to get some of this out of my head and on to virtual “paper”.  I’m sure you’ll hear me rant and rave much more on the subject soon.