The Fog is Rolling In…
Posted by Terry on February 3, 2009
Before I went through chemo the first time, I had never heard the term “chemo brain”. Last time around, however, it seemed to take a little longer to set in to my repertoire of side effects. I’m a week past my second treatment, and tonight I think it snuggled down and gave me my first unsettling hug. I’m sitting here trying to explain chemo brain to myself, so that I can in turn explain what it is or how it affects me. Combine a bit of Alzheimer’s with ADD; then add in the type of physical fatigue that affects your motor function and comprehension and then mix in some fog. That might encapsulate what it is – maybe.
I seem to be slowing down physically. Believe you me… I’m fighting it as best I can. I’m pushing through and doing as much as I can do. BUT, I can feel myself slowing down. I get side tracked easily. I start one thing and finish a second with out going back to the first! God, I hate that crap. I love to read, but am reading for smaller increments of time. Or I open a book and then just kind of stare at the words wondering what they mean. I’ve had some important paperwork to take care of, and I’ve been putting it off. (Yes, we all know I’m a sorry case of a procrastinator!) Today, I embarked upon that task, only to fight with the words and concepts. I’m scared that I won’t be able to get through it all. After quite a while, I just decided to shelve the idea for the night and do something a little more “relaxational”. Mike gave me a digital photo frame for Christmas and I’ve been building a file of photos which I want to display. However, some of the photos need to be titled etc. in order to create the folder. I did one of the smaller sets of pictures. However, when I opened another, I could see the pictures in front of me, but I couldn’t group them and name them. It was frustrating. I just sat there and stared while all the images melded together into one flowing foggy picture. Again, I side-lined that activity and moved on to TV. It’s on and I can’t even get through one show completely before being bored. Talk about frustrating! Honestly, I’m surprised I’ve been able to get through this post. I think I’m tricking my brain by pretending to talk to you all. You know, as if you were actually sitting next to me and listening. Sometimes, speaking aloud can rustle my thoughts back into some sort of muddled sensibility.
It will get worse……. Then it will get better. This I know. In the meantime, I will just manage to get through in the best way I know how – perseverance. And you know what? Just being able to get these thoughts onto paper (screen?) has been a help. It has cleared the frustration so I can move on to do something else, even if that’s sleep! So, I suppose that creating this blog MAY be a benefit after all!
Shar said
you poor poor dear, wow! just reading it I can see in your words all the run around you’ve been doing in your head, it is exhusting. I’m just glad I had caught you on a good day when we came and saw you 2 saturdays ago. It sounds a bit scary going through those emotions because what you described surly does not sound like you at all, expecailly moving on to something else before finishing up the 1st, you keep this up you will start reminding me of people around here where I work lol sheesh woman. Pehaps you found a soulution though because you did say it helped, keep writing, even if it’s jibberish, you need to keep the mind going expecailly if you can’t focus on just one thing, don’t give up hon, they say chess is good for the mind, Ben thought me how to play, or puzzles, if you enjoy something like that I can get nice one’s for you if you want. let me know, just keep up treking, i love you, Ben and I had a nice relaxing time spending time with you.