What is guilt? Is it sorrow? Anger turned inward? Jealousy? Guilt as defined by Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary is “feelings of culpability, especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy; self-reproach.”
Like many people, I have issues with guilt. I have always had to deal with my feelings of things seeming to be my “fault”, even if they weren’t. When my parents would argue, they sometimes argued over me. Even though the issue at hand was that my father was drunk and they didn’t have the best marriage, when I heard my name come into the mix, I felt that I was the cause of the argument……… When all along it was really the beer or other issues. That’s just one main example.
These days, most of my guilt stems from being sick. IF I hadn’t gotten sick, then perhaps we could’ve pursued our mutual dreams of having a family together. IF I hadn’t gotten sick, Mike wouldn’t be so stressed and over worked all the time. IF I had stayed well, and continued to work, then we ‘might’ not be in the financial disaster we are now. IF I hadn’t gotten sick then I wouldn’t cause my parents and other family members to worry about me all the time. IF I hadn’t gotten sick, we might be having sex right now, instead of me being too tired to do much of anything. **sigh**
I realize that I did not technically cause the illness. I did not wish this onto my life. I did not will myself to be sick. And yet, I still find myself carrying all this unnecessary guilt for so many things. Sometimes I don’t think I’m imagining things. Sometimes I look into Mike’s eyes and think I see contempt. I’m not ridiculous. It could very well be there. However, if it is, it’s for the situation and not directed toward me. He’s very supportive of me and whatever it is I’m going through.
Dealing with all the bottled up guilt is a difficult burden to bear, however. Letting go of something so deeply rooted inside us can sometimes seem almost impossible. What seems to be the issue is that with guilt, we are holding onto the feelings rather than working through them. It would seem that working through the feelings and trying to correct the thought processes are truly the only way around the downward spiral in which guilt leads you. When others do wrong, whether to them or toward us, we are much more able to forgive them, than if we are the cause of the wrongdoing. It would seem to me that we (and by we I really mean I) need to work on self-forgiveness and acceptance more often.
Perhaps I just need a reality check.
Or a lesson in Buddhism.
Or something.
Oh honey
Don’t you do it! It ISN’T your fault and you know that. *big hug* Shit happens; that’s life. But you have done NOTHING to deserve this!!
I know it’s not. And honestly, it’s not even that bad today. However, these ARE the thoughts and feelings I have about the issue. I do sometimes get really bogged down in the sess pool of it. And it truly does stink.