Useless…

It’s sunny outside and spring is starting to show itself.  No kid this weekend.  Currently I have the apartment to myself and there is music playing.  It’s Sunday, which means that even though today is Hubby’s one Sunday in the month that he works, he will be home early – in about an hour actually.  With all those good things, why do I feel so discontented?  I feel like I’m bench pressing 300 pounds without a spotter and the weights just came crashing down on my chest.  And now I’m stuck under their weight.  This is just wrong, and I don’t like it.  I should be itching to rush outside and walk in the warm spring rays of the sun.  I should be dancing around to the music filling my ears – or at the very least singing along with it.  I should be counting down minute-by-minute until Mike gets home and then take him in the bedroom and treat him to what he’s been hinting at all weekend.  Instead, I just sit here full of gloom. 

*Update*

Yesterday, when Mike came home, we had a late lunch together.  Later I gave him a small snack, as I didn’t have any appetite for dinner.  We played catch up with the DVR box while laid snuggled up on the sofa.  There was not a lot of talking, but there was skin-to-skin contact as he rubbed my noggin and I rubbed his back.  While watching TV though, I was getting low blows to my already heavy heart.  First there was a very small twinge as we watched American Idol and contestant, Michael Lynch, spoke ok getting to see his newborn baby this coming week.  Then in the series, Southland, a story line circled around a small sweet baby who was put in a cardboard box and dumped in a parking lot.  Said baby crawled out and down the street and into moving traffic before a police officer came to the rescue.  Lastly, on Big Love, wife number two just misses becoming fertilized with her own daughter’s egg, and falls into her husband’s arms crying “I just wanted to have your baby and do my job as your wife!”  That was the straw that broke me.  That’s where I broke down and sobbed for the next hour. Every time I think those thoughts are buried deep enough, they slip out.  I want to be rid of the guilt I feel and the emptiness in my life.  I grew up believing without a doubt that my whole purpose in life was to become a Mommy.  That’s never happened and I feel like there is just no purpose now.  Lately, the word that bounces around in my head is useless.  That’s what I feel – useless.  Rationally, I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

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